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Guess what most songs, poems and books worldwide are written about?
That's right... Love and relationships.
The intoxicating joy of undeniable attraction, blossoming love, belonging with someone... As well as the excruciating pain of unrequited love, break ups, infidelity...
As a species you could say we're pretty obsessed with love. We seem to be on a never-ending quest, seeking the ultimate formula to finding love, keeping love, or fixing love.
Because there's nothing quite like it, is there? We all yearn to love and be loved.
Thanks to our collective obsession with love and relationships, there's a lot of quotes, sayings and "words of wisdom" out there. I put "words of wisdom" in quotation marks because, sadly, not all of these words contain actual wisdom.
In this blog post I'm going to debunk three of my favourite lies about love, and hopefully give you some valuable insight into what you can expect in a (healthy) real relationship.
'Cause I'm sorry to break it to you, but fairytales and rom-com's are a bad point of reference.
1. "With The Right Person, It's Easy"
No matter how compatible you are, and no matter how much you love them... I promise you that you will face challenges in any relationship.
You face challenges in your relationships with family, friends, colleagues -- hell, want to talk about your relationship with yourself? Why would a romantic relationship be any different?
It's natural to have discussions, disagreements, and fights.
What matters is how you show up during fights.
What matters is how you repair a rift when it occurs.
What matters is how you learn from the challenges you face.
Together.
The belief that with the right person a relationship will be easy is unrealistic. The expectation to have a perfectly peaceful relationship 100% of the time will put too much pressure on your partner, yourself, and the relationship.
You are two (or more) wildly unique, different individuals. You each have your own background; history of trauma; attachment style; love language; expectations, etc. To truly hold space for each other in a healthy relationship, you need to allow for authenticity, vulnerability, openness, honesty, and mistakes.
Remember that committing to another person is not a one-time decision. It's a choice you have to make over and over again. When it's easy to do... and when it's really difficult.
Instead of expecting a perfect fit, I invite you to: Aim to love yourself and your partner -- not despite your differences -- but in light of them.
2. "If They Love You, They Will Never Hurt You"
Raise your hand if you've ever hurt someone you love.
We've all been there... We've all done or said something (knowingly or unknowingly) that ended up hurting someone we love.
Does that mean our love for that person isn't real? No, it does not.
It just means we're human. Human beings make mistakes.
If your partner has done something hurtful, see if you can answer YES to the following questions:
Do I, myself, understand why their actions hurt my feelings? If YES, can you explain it to them?
Are they genuinely sorry that their actions have hurt me? If YES, can you accept their apology?
Will they put effort into not repeating the same mistake? If YES, will you let them show you?
Are we both willing to repair the rift that this has caused? If YES, will you work on it together?
If the answer is NO to any of the above, that could mean either one or both of you have some inner work to do before you can repair the rift. Or it could mean that the damage that has been caused is beyond repair...
In either case, if you want the best shot at making the relationship work, seeking professional help to support you in the process is one of the best investments you can make.
Instead of expecting love never to hurt, I invite you to: Embrace the vulnerability of love by allowing for mistakes. If there is a mutual willingness to learn from mistakes and grow together, you will be able to build something incredible together.
3. "Love Is All You Need"
As pretty and romantic as this sounds... It's bullshit.
This just in! Relationships take hard work.
Lasting, healthy relationships require a lot of inner work, self-regulation and co-regulation.
Inner work
Your relationship with yourself needs to be your #1 priority -- at all times. Having a good understanding of who you are at your core is vital to making a relationship work long-term.
What are your core values? What are you passionate about? What is your purpose in life? What is your love language? What limiting beliefs are holding you back? What past traumas influence your behavior in relationships?
If you haven't done your inner work yet, I can guarantee that a new relationship will bring some challenging stuff to the surface.
You will be confronted with yourself, whether you like it or not.
And you know what they say, preparation (a.k.a. inner work) is half the battle.
Self-regulation
Self-regulation is a word we use in psychology for self-management of your emotions and responses. As you likely already know, you cannot control your emotions, but you can manage them.
Why is this important? Because when you are in a high intensity situation with your partner, and you're feeling anxious/angry/upset, self-regulation allows you to take a step back and calm yourself down before responding.
Guess what happens when there is no self-regulation in a relationship?
Co-regulation
Naturally, healthy co-regulation then is more easily achieved when each person has done their inner work and is able to effectively self-regulate.
Co-regulation is essentially the management and adaptability of your collective emotions, responses and growth within the relationship.
It is, for example, understanding that when your partner is upset, snapping back at them will not serve them, you, or the relationship... Instead, holding space for their needs, while also communicating how their behavior is impacting you in a respectful way, is what would serve everyone best.
Co-regulation allows healthy communication of feelings, boundaries and needs. It's holding a safe space for each other and respecting the emotional and mental state your partner is in at any given moment.
Instead of expecting love to be enough, I invite you to: Do your part. Do the inner work through therapy or coaching. Practice self-regulation individually and co-regulation together. Allow for mistakes and don't aim for perfection... Just remember that practice makes progress.
Love Is A Beautiful Mess
Don't be afraid to get dirty.
Pun intended.
Just embrace the glorious mess of loving another imperfect human being wholeheartedly.
In case it doesn't last a lifetime, make sure to enjoy it for as long as it does.
Do you know any other quotes or sayings about love that you feel are utter nonsense? Share them in the comments below!
Need some help with inner work and self-regulation? Say no more. Book a free 30-minute session with me, and let's explore what makes you tick. It will be all about you; your goals, needs and limiting beliefs. Let's discover what's there...
You've hit the nail on the head with this Dajana.
In the past I've gone into relationships without the inner work done, rocky foundation, so I was never really giving the relationship the best chance.
You're dead right that we all need to have our inner work done, whether single or in a relationship currently (it's never too late!), so when we have that someone special in our lives we can have something special and give it the best chance of lasting a lifetime.